chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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