You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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