I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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