So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
