update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
