no, he came in my armpit
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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