Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
