Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
