We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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