Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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