listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
