New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
