Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
