dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
