Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
