And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
