You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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