you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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