I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
