I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
