She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
