i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
