Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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