so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
