I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
