All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
3 2 1 whiskey
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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