When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
