if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
