New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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