Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
