I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
