4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
They took my balls.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
