its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
