last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And then my night got REAL pukey
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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