Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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