In the future we'll all be gay
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
