We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
