are you still at the devil's house?
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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