she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So much rum. So many feels.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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