i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
