Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
