This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
