it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
