The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
we should paint friendship bongs
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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