I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
