Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
