I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
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How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
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okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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