You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
