my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
