I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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