R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
