I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am midnight drunk by noon
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
