and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
