Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
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She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
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Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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