why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
