What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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