WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
