I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
