I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
