I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
